The Sonic Boom left his home, refreshed and ready to kick ass. Literally, for on his way to Mark Henry's house he stopped off at a farm and began kicking donkeys.
SONIC: "Don't worry. BCW is not closed, because I will be running it."
SONIC: "Everyone unpack and get ready to put up one hell of a show. Except for you, jew. You can leave. And you, colored man. Get out of my office."
MARK: "Did somebody say something about anal sex?"
Sonic is charged with Donkey abuse and has to travel to Texas to face the American Farmers Union in Court
Mark Henry and Sonic Boom walk into the court room and all eyes are focused solely on them. Their is a murmur that spreads over the crowd as the two walk in together. They take their place before the judge and the judge addresses them. "Boys, we here in Texas usually don't approve of your kind. Anal love ain't permitted down here, but I will give you a shot if you've got an upstart lawyer. Do you have one?" Mark and Sonic boom look toward each other and can only smile. They each point toward the back of the room, and as if on cue Jay Slapshire bursts in "OBJECTION!" he yells. His briefcase in his hand and his finest suit on him. And by finest suit it turns out to be one of those t-shirts with a picture of a tux on it. The judge and everyone in attendance is silenced by this startling revelation of lawyer choice. Jay marches up to the stand and places his case on the desk. He opens it up to reveal a mayonnaise sandwich, his trusty nintendo ds, and an advanced copy of digitize the generation: baby boomers addition. The judge is visually impressed and offers Jay to go ahead. Jay pulls out his ds, and asks for a recess to let his copy of Ace Phoenix to load. It finally does, and he plays through a few seconds and calls his first witness. "Luke Blue please take the stand! No, wait...Mark Henry!" Mark walks up and sits down. The bailiff refuses to swear him in. Mark Henry uses the most devastating move in history, the World's strongest Slam and then proceeds to do the same maneuver to most of the audience. The Texas room can only watch as he rampages. Jay looks at his key character witness slamming all the on lookers and then looks toward Sonic Boom. "You know, if this lawyer thing pays off, i'm thinking about getting robot legs. It's a dangerous procedure but it'll be worth it." Sonic slaps him and rapes his ass. While being raped the judge asks if he has anymore witnesses. Jay just offers him a copy of his cd. The judge replies "I hate techno." Jay pushes Sonic off and yells at the top of his lungs "You wouldn't if you had robot ears! I hate your face!"
(The three of them arrive in Beirut where we find Vince McMahon and Michael Moore talking about plans for the movie.)
MM: "What about an expose into the realms of Donkey rape?"
VKM: "And where the hell do you think we will get information for that?"
(Sonic Boom appears with donkey fecal matter still dripping from his flaccid maggot cock.)
SB: "Hi guys."
VKM: "Perfect."
(We cut to day 1 of filming where Mark Henry is in a cheap police outfit with the sleeves cut off, Slapshire is clad in a Repo Man outfit while Sonic Boom wears a leather Ann Summers police outfit)
SB: "Is this right for me?"
VKM: "Shut up and grease up that truncheon."
MH: "Man we need one something to boost the equal opportunities. We got a black guy, a retard and a beastiality obsessed freak. We need to boost the boobs in this shit."
Suma: "Did shumboddy shay boobsh? I have the boobsh ya?"
(Suma appears clad in full Viking regalia complete with mace with his greasy hair clinging to his acne ridden forehead.)
MM: "Perfect!"
(Moore whips out his clapper board.)
MM: "Take 1... ACTION!"
(Sonic Boom and Mark Henry pin Slapshire to a dust clad stone building and probe their greased up truncheons into Slapshire's person.)
SB: "You are gonna tell us where your Palestinian rat bastard children are!"
Slapshire: "I am telling you I don't know! I don't have rat bastard children!"
Mark Henry: "Fine you won't tell us but maybe you will tell him!"
(Atypical European Porn Techno music kicks in and Suma waddles in with his man boobs and bingo wings flapping in the breeze.)
Suma: "It'sch time for the Gaza Schtrip ya?"
(Sonic Boom and Henry rip Slapshire's clothes asunder and Suma smiles in a creepy way. He proceeds to violate the anus of Slapshire whilst Henry and Sonic Boom deepthroat Slapshire with their truncheons. Vince turns to Michael Moore.)
VKM: "Is this doing it for you?"
MM: "Totally."
VKM: "Wait a minute, you aren't Michael Moore, you are Mandy Moore!"
MM: "Like totally!"
VKM: "For crying out loud! This movie is not even going straight to DVD like The Marine, See No Evil or any with Jason Statham in! How could this rose tinted look at a past dinosaur get any worse?"
John Pariah: "Did somebody call?"
(We cut back to the orgy where Suma is giving a titwank to Mark Henry using his vast man boobs while Sonic boom blows his load to add to the mass of grease in Suma's hair.)
Vince McMahon is not happy. He not only has the most dysfunctional family, but now also the most dysfunctional football team. The linecracker and the quarter-pounder know less about the game than I do. Styles is out there jumping up and down trying to reach the high balls.
Suma: No, it is the Puffins, not pussies.
Sonic Boom: Stop lying, you never looked up a pussy in your life.
Suma: You cannot screw them, they are our only defense against the vicious Oslo Penguins.
Mandy Moore: Wow, what's up with her?
Mandy Moore: We need some rags over here, quickly!
Vince: Good, now to burn this garbage!
Mandy takes one of the shirts and stuffs it up Suma's vagina. It is not enough!
Suma: Yes, I am late.
Suma: Nine months. Why do you ask?
Mark Henry (looking guilty): Hey, I had no HAND in this!
Vince: Hey this is much better, a much darker pink, far more manly! You got room for more up their Suma?
Jay: Oh my! It is a half donkey, half puffin!
Vince McMahon marches out onto the field handing out the new jerseys, still dripping with placenta. He is walking past the scoreboard when the scaffolding collapses and kills him and the Finnish army. Moments later Norway invade and take over the country.
Sonic: Where to now?
Sonic: OK, let's go!
The dashing form of a half-donkey, half puffin soaring across the sky with it's motley crew of passengers is a truly majestic sight to behold as it circles around it's destination preparing to land...
Mandy Moore: The school anthem doesn't sound right either...
Suma: I think something strange is going on... my lightning shaped stretch-mark from giving birth is tingling.
Hagrid: 'Ere, aren't you that semi-famous wrestler?
Hedwig the owl: Who? Who?
Stylez: I'm also known as Seth Hunter!
Dumbledoor: Ah greetings, perhaps I can show you around, but first we have to sort you all out into groups. Where did I leave the sorting hat?
Mark Henry: Hey that bitch has been with a puffin and a donkey and Stylez, I aint catching no infection!
Sorting Hat: Slytheryn... slither out... slither in... slither out
John stands in front of the group and waves his hand in front of his face echoing the magic words.
Our heroes are now invisible. This is an unusual experience for everyone except Stylez.
Dumbledoor: Hogwarts has been taken over by cats. It has been prohesized that a group of heroes will show up and defeat them in a game of Quidditch forcing them to relinquish their reign of tyranny.
Dumbledoor: No that was just an American knock-off... this is the real thing, the Philospher's stone... it's owner invented it over two thousand years ago and it has kept him alive all this time.
Dumbledoor: Careful, we are passing the Dark Arts classroom.
Sonic Boom: Hey, isn't that the killing curse?
Jay: I'm almost certain that there's some sort of law against that!
Dumbledoor: We must hurry, the quidditch match is about to start!
We skip forward to the match. Somebody has placed a confusion spell on the commentators.
Second Commentator: No they're kittens bah God!
Sorting Hat: You... Raw! And you ... Smackdown!
Jay: This love potion I got from Snape's dungeon is the answer to all my problems... Mandy Moore, prepare to fall in...
Spike: This isn't fair, I haven't snitched on anyone in ages!
Nero: Yes! I am now the undisputed emperor of Hogwarts, me and my cats. I Love Cats! Theyr'e so wonderfully wonderfully wonderfully wonderfully pretty!
********
Hagrid: I don't understand... it's... it's laid an egg... not just any egg though... it's.... it's... 'alf puffskey like.... and blimey... it's 'alf virgin!
Jay: Yes... all along I was.... Insider!
Mandy Moore: Hey we thought you died!
Everone stares open mouthed in surprise. Stylez mistakes this for incomprehension and dutifully comes to the rescue.
Sonic Boom: Avada Kadavra!
Sonic Boom: Wow it really does work. Awesome.
Hedwig: Who? Who?
Vince grabs Suma.
Vince : No I mean THIS.
Sonic Boom: The sorting hat! Of course!
Vince kidnaps Suma and drags him into a limo, which promptly explodes.
Sonic Boom: Your brotha?
With the lingering feeling of Vince McMahon’s diabolical plans for the sorting hat and Suma’s round Finnish buttocks…our heroes need transportation and soon if they are going to catch up to the random blown up limos that Vince has used to escape from Hogwarts. Jay is somewhat disappointed however…
Mandy Moore puts a consoling hand on Jay’s nerd like shoulders.
SB: I usually smash mine over the head with a bottle before I go…
MM: (smiling) Everyone expresses love in a different way.
With that bombshell our heroes set off on the long walk to Stamford. Following a blazen trail of exploded limos in their wake. Finally they arrive, Mark Henry is completely dehydrated and has been crawling for most of the journey thus slowing them down. Sonic has grown a beard as well because of the journey and Mandy has a slight bit of peach fuzz on that top lip. Jay has nothing…cause well he is Jay.
J: Damn your lucrative contract.
SB: I had a shit blacker than you this morning come on!
SB: Knowing your luck they’d probably make it silver…
MH: Stop looking down my all in one wrestling tights!
SB: Trying standing next Stylez and looking in the mirror. Where is that little fuck shit anyways?
SB: What river?
MH: I ain’t on steroids…I am just a fat fuck.
MM: Yes?
MH: If he sees you he makes you suck him off.
SB: Where?
SB: Dammit we need some grease…wheres that greasy son of a bitch with the hair.
SB: Like I give a fuck…
ALL: Ompa Lumpa Doopa Dee Dooo we have a WWE riddle for you. If you gorge on buffet food, Vince shall not be in a good mood. Its best to stick to the needles that make you big and strong, but be sure not to murder your wife if you take them too long.
MM: Ohhhh its like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!
NOBLE: We are so glad you guys made it and look you brought him!
HORNEY: The one who will bring balance to the workers…you believe the prophecy is in this Midget?
SB: We haven’t got fucking time for this stupid little person legend crap. We got to stop Vince using the sorting hat before he starts making logical booking decisions.
MH: Make him Champion of ECW!!!!
They all look at Rey…
J: Look we can stand around here all regrowing our virginity or we can do something. Tell us Bump A Lumpas…were can we find Vince McMahon.
MM: That reminds me of that Creepy Dad on Hogan Knows Best…
NOBLE: YOU GOT NO CHANCE!
NOBLE: IN HELL!
SB: We came this far assholes…you try and prize fat boy from that window…
…Mandy and Jay arrive at the bathroom to find JBL and Hardcore Holly in there seeing who can take the largest dump in the toilet. They both spot Jay and Mandy when they walk through the door.
MM: If you act like yourself they’ll kill us. They hate nerds!
J: My name is David Lee Townsend…also known as DLT. I have just signed with WWE.
J: And this is the new diva for the WWE…Mom
J: (whispering back) Its the only girls name I know!
J: (whispering to Mandy) That’s wrestler talk for new person.
J: Sounds fair…you do know I am a hell of a mafia player on the TFWF boards in my spare time.
BH: Must be one of those indy promotion move sets. WE ONLY THROW KICKS, PUNCHES AND THE OCCASSIONAL POWERSLAM ROUND HERE BOY! NOW GET MEASURING MY SHIT!
BH: So Mom…you know about the etiquette for new divas here in the WWE?
BH: DANG NO! That’s so gay! We probably just tea bag each other and make shit in your handbag ha ha ha!
MEANWHILE Sonic has penetrated the McMahon’s locker room. He is looking around for anything useful. Browsing through the bags of letters apologizing to Owen Hart’s wife, Jokes on JRs health condition and pictures of Ted Turner with devil horns on his face when he finds the sorting hat! But no Suma…
SORTING: Wife beater…
He puts it over Stylez
SB: Damn it that doesn’t prove anything. Suma’s ass could have tampered with it.
HHH: So there is no way I am going to allow anymore hiccups.
HHH: (arrogantly laughing) Ha ha ha! Don’t you know I am the WWE…I have seen off more threats than your little midget Legend. Oh no…my title legacy will stay strong forever and I just made sure of that earlier tonight.
HHH: Meet Freddie Prinze Jr., you see Suma, the only reason Mandy Moore agreed to come here with you guys is because Freddie told her he was going to make her the new GM of RAW. Her and the rest of that loser scum are walking right into a trap. A trap set by me!
SUMA: Shame Scooby Doo 2 wasn’t that good…
HHH: The sorting hat is in the closet!
FPJ: Jesus Stylez is coming out of the closet!
HHH: Sonic Boom!
HHH: So it seems you are here to forfill the prophercy with this midget.
SB: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT BIG NOSE!
SB: Damn it Stylez! Why did you have to die!
J: We got to get out of here! They are slaughtering midgets in the hall way thinking its Stylez!
MM: We can’t forfill the prophercy…
J: Who’s HHH?
J: Why didn’t you stop him.
Jay reacts slamming a fist into HHH’s head. It has no effect, so Mandy then comes over and kicks HHH knocking him out.
The gang bundle HHH into the closet and hide the sorting hat once more up Suma’s ass. They dress Stylez in HHH’s attire and plonk him on the couch. Vince walks in.
Triple Stylez lays there motionless and dead. Vince smiles.
The crew wheel a dead Triple Stylez onto the stage as he emerges to the Games Music.
KING: It’s the cold icey stare that he does which sends a shiver down the spine of his opponents.
FPJ: YOU RUINED IT! YOU DAMN WELL RUINED IT! THIS WAS MY BIG BREAK!
Jonnah Street:
FP: You ruined by career you bitch!
BEFORE SHE FINISH THE SENTENCE SHE PASSES OUT THROUGH THE PAIN. MANDY LOOKS TO SONIC.
SB: Who gives a fuck, we finally got rid of another useless character.
SB: Shut up Poke-a-lame. Look, I am heading home, my work is done here.
SB: Do I look like I have a conscience.
V: Did someone say something about conscience…
HHH: Hey Vince I got some more pictures of Steph for you. Some macho ones!
HHH: I meant her in Macho poses…what did you think I meant?
HHH: Yes I am.
MANDY: Finally some justice here…
MANDY: What do you mean?
COP 1: That’s right…we arrested Austin every week, but we could never pin that whole murdering his own parents deal on Kane.
MANDY: Well this guy here shot Suma.
COP 2: Maybe break into the womans locker room?
MANDY: NO HE SHOT SUMA!
COP 2: For destroying JBL’s limo?
AS OUR FEARLESS COPS LEAVE, FREDDIE REALIZING THAT THE WORLD OF WWE ALLOWS YOU TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER (CITE VINCE FOR EVIDENCE) HE HIGHTAILS IT OUT OF THERE.
MANDY: Are you ok Jay?
JAY: It’s getting worse…I found a lump on my pelvis earlier and now its getting bigger.
JAY: JESUS! I GOT TO GET IT REMOVED!
HHH: Can I come too.
HHH: Can I be Champion of the car?
HHH: Fuck it then!
SB: GEORGE CLOONEY I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE A DOCTOR!
SB: Then what are you doing here?
SB: How do you sleep at night?
SB: (sobs) Ok…I was pwned.
MANDY: She got shot by Freddie Prinze Junior.
JAY: No….DUH!
JAY: I am Jay Slapshire…I know…
GC: I am no doctor…
GC: Obviously…but this chick despite needing a boob job also needs a new heart.
CLOONEY CLOSES THE DOOR. AND HUSHES OUR GROUP.
SB: Canada…why the fuck would we go there. Let the chick die.
GC: Anyways, this heart is guarded by a greasy haired old bitter man…
GC: No…a man even more bitter than him.
GC: No…Bret Hart.
GC: You never heard of Bret Hart?
GC: I see…well if you find Bret Hart, you will find the heart you need to save this ugly fat chick.
SONIC GRABS HIS CELL AND CALLS THE BUMP A LUMPAS, THERE IS NO ANSWER. HE LEAVES A MESSAGE. CUTTING BACK TO WWE, WE FIND REY MYSTERIO, HORNSWOGGLE AND JAMIE NOBLE HANGING BY THEIR NECKS IN HALLWAY AND VINCE CLOSING DOWN NOBLE’S PHONE.
V: Don’t be stupid…it was Sonic Boom…they are off to Canada to track down the heart of…of…
HHH SMACKS BOB HOLLY IN THE CHOPS
V: That’s right…but if we can get that heart, we can convince the world he never existed and all the people like the roids commission will disappear and you can all be big again! BIG I SAY!
HHH: Damn true…I mean I have been getting erections and everything.
JBL: Bret will never do another U-Turn on you Vince…
so stranger lack of balls u-turns have happened…
V: Nevermind…to Canada!
OUR SCENE OPENS IN CANADA. BRET HART SHAKING VIOLENTLY FROM THE AFTER EFFECTS OF HIS STROKE THAT WE ALL FORGOT ABOUT TILL NOW IS WRITING A LETTER.
ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
THERE IS SILENCE
MORE SILENCE
BRET SHAKES HIMSELF UP TO HIS FEET AND ANSWERES THE DOOR. MANDY IS STANDING THERE.
MANDY: Ummm no…
MANDY: No…
BRET: What? Are you my nurse?
BRET: You know me and Chris once wrestled this great match in WCW…
BRET: I remember using the old ricky dicky armdrag snapper on him…course at the time everyone wore black trunks…twas the fashion in the day to have a mullet.
SB: It stinks of shit in here…
SB: Who ever heard of a wrestler using the term poopey…
SONIC FURTHER FRUSTRATED BY BRET’S RAMBLINGS FINDS THE BASEMENT.
MANDY: Where was the basement?
JAY: Go figure…I have been googling RK.com for the last five minutes, by since I am a guest I can’t see the basement anymore.
ALL OF A SUDDEN MANDY FEELS A COLD CLAMY HAND GRIP HER SHOULDER.
THEN A SECOND COLD CLAMY HAND GRIPS HER SHOULDER ITS BRET
SB: When your younger brother horribly plummeted to his death?
JAY STEPS FORWARD
MANDY GROANS. SONIC BOOM ROLLS HIS EYES.
JAY: My Mom says I am cool!
SONIC WINKS AT BRET
BRET: Hmmm where I heard that one before…
BRET: SAY UNCLE!
BRET: I SAID UNCLE!
SB: That’s cause your sat on you ass…I haven’t even started the match yet!
BRET: MY HIP!
BRET: IT’S DE JA VU!!!!
SB: Mention it during one of your Epsilon rps…to add to the excitement.
BRET LOOKS UP
BRET CONTINUES TO SPIT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN JAYS FACE.
MANDY: Jay, just take it…we found something under here keep him distracted.
SB: Pretend your Kut…he is been moaning about everyone who listens to the Knights spitting on his grave for months.
SB: HOW DID YOU FIND US!
SB: You can’t bring yourself to say it can you!
MANDY: Who are you again?
THE ROOM GOES SILENT. BOB WONDERS IF HE CAN FIND HIS SPARK PLUG OUTFIT. HHH STEPS FORWARD
HHH WHISPERS TO JBL
JBL: Michael Hayes writes mine….GO AWAY BLACK PEOPLE.
ALL OF A SUDDEN BRET SHAKES HIS WAY UP TO HIS FEET AND GETS IN VINCE’S FACE.
V: How bout we make you another DVD? And forget all about it?
BRET: Your dead…
MH: This aint the Twinkie factory!
JAY: What about me I pinned Bret Hart…
GC: Vince…leave the hot chick, the wife beater and the nerd alone…
GC: If you do, I will be a time keeper at Wrestlemania…
GC: Yes you see Vince…
GC: Sometimes in life when we are trying to get to the heart of the problem…alternative problems arise. You might not be able to make the world forget the name Chris Benoit…but someone like me being at Wrestlemania…well jeez…you can do a whole 6 month hype on it and it will draw ratings for sure and isnt that where your ‘true heart lies’…ratings.
JAY: And Nachos Man…
HHH: Why did you do that?
SB: I am no Issac Yankem, but I can try…
S: Guyysss isss that you?
S: Hmmm…I feel kindsa funky
THE CREW HEAD UPSTAIRS TO WATCH THE ONLY THING IN THE HOUSE ON TV AND PARTY…VIDEOS OF BRETS MATCHES. THEY ARE HAVING A GREAT TIME WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT AND THERE IS A GIRLY SCREAM.
THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON AND JBL POINTS TO THE FLOOR.
SB: Stylez was already dead!
MANDY: Probably shouldn’t have ate Bret’s wheelchair.
MANDY: And look…they placed a bible next to him. What could that mean?
(END)
Triple B:
(We start in as we show the WWE Airplane flying. The camera pans back inside of the plane, showing our cast of characters. Sonic Boom, Mandy Moore, Jay, Bret Hart, Vince, Holly, JBL and HHH and George Clooney are all in their seats. Bret Hart and Vince are sitting in the front, talking...)
Vince: We can't let Suma marry Steph. We HAVE to get there in time.
Bret Hart: And I have failed to protect the heart of Chris Benoit. If he is able to take over the WWE, we're screwed.
Vince: Not as screwed as you were in Montreal.
Bret Hart: And not as screwed as WCW was when you sent me there.
Both: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
(Suddenly, Ric Flair staggers from his seat, somewhere in the back. He beginns to take his clothes off, screaming...)
Flair: Woo! Woo! Woooo!
(Jim Ross, also in the back, yells out...)
Ross: Ric! Put your clothes back on!
Flair: Woo-kay.
(Suddenly, Brock Lesnar tackles the corpse of Curt Hennig, who for some reason was being transported to be reburied in the US.)
Brock: How dare you call me out! Now I'll NEVER be a wrestler! NEVER!
(HHH breaks it up, knocking them both out.)
HHH: That's right. I can knock out dead people.
(Suddenly, from the cockpit, yells Charie Haas)
Charlie: Hey! There's something flying up at us as we approach Stamford.
Jay: What the hell is HE doing flying?
Haas: I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night. But what the hell is that?
BOOM!
Haas: We're under attack?!?!
Mandy: Oh no! Jay, do you want me to hold you?
Jay: No! I HAVE TO BE PUUUURRREEEE!!!!!
Sonic Boom: What is that? Outside! On the wing!
(Outside, they see Suma.)
Holly: Oh my god! He's... he's... HE'S HEADBUTTING THE PLANE!
Haas: We're going down!
Jay: No! I HAVE TO BE PUUUURREEEEE!!!!!!
(The plane spirals out of control, plummetting towards the ground. Brock Lesnar is up, and sees the corpse of Curt Hennig again...)
Brock: I'm not done with you!
(Brock tackles the knocked out corpse of Curt Hennig. They fly towards the emergency door, bursting it open, and they fly out into the night sky...)
Mandy: Shriek!
Holly: Shriek!
Jay: Shriek!
Sonic Boom: Oh yeah baby, that's how I like it.
(The window blows and sucks so much, people think that Sonic Boom is roleplaying. Vince, Holly and Bret Hart all fly out the door. The plane is shown falling down, crashing down. The bursts apart into a flaming mess, coming to rest at the gates to WWE Headquarters. The scene is quiet. Finally, from out from under the rubble, Jay pushes some rubble aside. Mandy Moore lifts Jay up, as she was right under him. He's drapped over her shoulder as she pulls him to safety. They look around, gasping for air...)
Mandy: Pant.. pant... I... I can't believe we made it...
Jay: Wait... who's that?
(From out of the smoke, a figure moves towards them. He steps over the broken bodies of Sonic, Bret Hart, Vince, Holly, JBL, HHH and George Clooney. He stands in front of them, and reaches out a hand...)
Man: Come with me, if you want to live... and stop Suma.
Jay: Suma? You know where he is?
Man: He's inside already. He's preparing to wed Steph at midnight. He's already blocked the doors with gym sets and bibles. He has Steph locked up in the dungeon as we speak. We need to hurry.
Jay: But.. what can you do?
Man: I'm a machine. A human suplex machine. I'm Tazz, and I'm here to save you all...
(Mandy and Jay look at him in awe as the scene fades...)
As Jay and Mandy Moore and Taz rush to the church there are several explosions in the background and the sky turns a blood red mostly for a cool atmosphere. BTW, this What the Knight is directed by Michael Bay, dunno why that’s important but I figured you should know.
Lighting crackles in the red sky and strikes down the roof of the church as debris goes flying in every direction. Jay grabs Mandy’s arm and pulls her away but one of the shingles catches on her dress. She is pinned to the ground but Jay grits his teeth and grabs the dress and pulls on it furiously until it is at the appropriately revealing and sexy length and she is damn near spilling out of it.
Jay: I’m glad that we ADDRESSED that problem.
Tazz: MOVE YOU MORONS MOVE!!
Tazz somersaults away from the wreckage but a large smoking crater appears next to him as the Ric Flair and the four horsemen are flying around on the backs of the remaining puffins protecting both Suma and Benoit’s heart.
Tazz: GET IN THAT CHURCH AND STOP THEM DAMMIT! Let’s see what kind of HORSEplay we can get into.
Jay and Mandy rush into the church and see Suma holding Stephanie McMahon in a slutty white wedding dress at the alter. The church is desecrated and burned down with smoke and fire billowing around them.
SuMa: YOU CANT STOP ME JAY! NO ONE WILL! I WILL RULE THE WORLD…wrestling entertainment.
SuMa turns and points to the priest and snarls at him.
SuMa: WE ARE MOMENTS AWAY DO IT!
Goldberg: And do you SuMa take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife.
Jay: GOLDBERG?! NO! WHY ARE YOU HERE?
Goldberg: They paid my 57 million dollar appearance fee.
Mandy Moore: DAMN!
SuMa: ENOUGH! ROIDFORMERS! DESTROY THEM!
Five skinny young men rush out of the side of the church and reach behind them pulling out syringes, the jam them into their arms and instantly start to go and turn into Mark Maguire, Barry Bonds, Shawn Merriman, Roger Clemens, and Jason Giambi. The Roidformers all rush towards Jay who pushes Mandy behind him and braces himself.
CRASH!!
Suddenly from the ceiling three figures parachute into the church and strike action poses.
Jay: Who the hell are you?!
The men turn just as a random helicopter flies by, flashing its flood lights into the church and illuminting the figures of Duckman, Trumps, and Skelly. Then the helicopter crashes with a giant explosion because it looks cool.
Duckman: We are here to help.
Trumps: WITH A VENGENCE!
Skelly: And I’m high on blow and don’t where I am but I like your unicorn, giant candy cane man.
The Knights turn and pulling out various forms of automatic weapons and start firing into Roidformers to keep them at bay; except for Skelly who has disappeared into a corner of the church to do lines of blow.
Trumps: GO STOP THEM JAY! WE HAVE GOT YOUR BACKACNE!
Duckman: THEY WILL NEVER TAKE…OUR FREEEEEEDOM!!
Jay nods and gives the Knights a thumbs up, he turns to Mandy as the battle rages on behind him. The wind whips around her hair and he grabs her on the shoulders and stares deeply into her eyes.
Jay: I have to do this Mandy.
Mandy: No Jay! It’s too dangerous!
Jay: That doesn’t matter, not anymore. The fate of the world…wrestling entertainment is at stake.
Mandy: I love you Jay.
Jay: I love you Mandy.
Mandy: What are you going to do?
Jay turns away and starts to walk towards Suma and Goldberg, pulling out a sharp knife and turning back to her for one last glance.
Jay: What I do best.
Jay takes off running and tackles SuMa to the ground as Stephanie cowers for safety. Both men get to their feet and stare at each other.
SuMa: YOU!? YOU think you are going to stop me?!
Jay: C’mon SuMa. Let’s digitize the generation!
Digitize the Generation, the Mandy Moore remix is blaring in the background as SuMa grabs a blade callously left behind in the church for no particular reason as the two men begin a tireless swordfight. Jay finally rolls away and stabs SuMa hard in the back with his knife.
Jay: Face it SuMa…You are Finnished.
SuMa starts bleeding from the eyes and lunges at Jay tackling him and pinning him to the ground. SuMa reaches his hand into his own chest and pulls out the black heart of Benoit.
SuMa: BENOIT NEVER DIES! HE LIVES IN YOOOOOOU!
SuMa shoves the black heart into Jay’s chest but seems confused and starts twitching violently.
SuMa: This…this can’t be…no….but you are so old….NOOOOOOOOOOO!
SuMa/Benoit withers up into a skeleton and dies as the black heart falls to the ground beating one final time before stopping cold. The Roidformers are gone and the battle outside the church has stopped as everyone rushes over to see Jay laying and bleeding on the church ground. Mandy is crying as Taz holds her and Skelly continues to do blow in the corner.
A bright blinding white light appears in the church as a winged Mexican with a mullet appears in all white dress.
Skelly: EVERYONES SEEING THIS RIGHT?! This is some good blow.
Trumps: Holy fish and chips on a lift in the tube…its Eddie Guerrero.
Duckman: Aye…Brigadoon Ian. Brigadoon.
Eddie: You have saved the entire world…wrestling entertainment Jay. Given your life for something so noble.
Taz: But why did the heart reject him?
Eddie: Because he was pure of spirit and body. The Benoit heart had nothing to corrupt.
Trumps: Does that mean?
Duckman: Virgin.
Skelly: FAAAAAAAAG!
Eddie reaches down at touches Jay on the forehead as the skies go from bright red to blue and the sun comes out and birds are flying around. Jay takes a deep breathe and comes back to life. Eddie smiles and nods before walking back through the light that brought him here.
Jay: Ed-Eddie Guerrero?
Eddie: Oh Da Lay, Jay. Oh Da Lay.
Eddie disappears as everyone helps Jay gingerly to his feet. Mandy rushes over and gives him a big hug.
Mandy: I was so worried about you!
Jay: I’m okay now. Because I waited…I waited for you Mandy. I love you.
Mandy: Oh. Ah…wow. Listen, Jay…I mean you are a really great guy, and you totally just saved us all. But…well you are like a brother to me and I don’t wanna mess that up. Ya know? Plus…I’m kinda already dating Skelly now.
Skelly: SHES GONNA RIDE THE PIPE!
Everyone laughs except for Jay, who stands heartbroken as everyone leaves the church and heads on their way. Skelly with his hand on Mandy’s ass.
Jay: I guess the real hero’s have to stand alone.
A brutal kick to Jay’s head sends him to the ground, immobilized as Goldberg stands over him, sneering.
Goldberg: NOW HOWS GOING TO PAY ME?! Enjoy post concussion syndrome kid. I’ve a world…wrestling entertainment to steal.
Jay is twitching on the ground as his eyes roll into the back of his head as Goldberg smirks and picks up the black heart of Benoit rides off on his Harley to take the world wrestling entertainment for his own.